THE PHOTOGRAPHER Int. Bedroom of a nice home. Michael drops down to look under the sink and pulls out Q-tips for his nightly rituals, while fighting with Brad. Brad is hot in a business conservative way. He folds his clothes into perfect squares and shoves them into a bag. He's probably never had a lint brush because lint wouldn't dare come near his clothing. MICHAEL I get it. I just don't understand it. BRAD Well you wouldn't. MICHAEL Oh so we're going to skip the formalities and move straight into you patronizing me. BRAD If you weren't being childish I wouldn't have to. MICHAEL Brad, I asked a question. BRAD 4 times Michael 4 times. And surprisingly the answer is the same each time, because not being insane, when you ask the same question you get the same response. What color is the sky. Blue. What color is the sky. Blue. What color is the sky. Blue. Go ahead ask again. Go ahead... Still Blue! MICHAEL Jesus Christ! Why do you have to go to San Diego for an over night and why can't I come is obviously a little more complex than what color is the sky. BRAD I have an excruciatingly difficult meeting. It will help me to be in the environment. I will be in work mode so you will only distract me. You will want to go out and do things. I will need, I repeat NEED, to be completely focused. MICHAEL I'm not distracting... Brad eyes Michael. BRAD What did you do? MICHAEL What? BRAD You are being SO needy. Last time you acted this way you broke my ipod. What did you do this time. Michael turns and applies moisturizer to his face. MICHAEL Aaaa ....nothing.... Can't I meet you after your work? BRAD WHY? WHY WHY WHY do you need to do this right now? Can't I just go away for an overnight without it being some huge drama for you to invent? MICHAEL You're the one upset. I'm not being a drama queen. Fine ok. I get it. You want your space. Go breathe in San Diego. Beat. MICHAEL (continuing) Sorry. BRAD Now's the part you sulk and say sorry and I am supposed to feel bad for having to put my foot down. So I get to be the bad guy and you get to be the victim poor little artsy Michael. MICHAEL Why is everything a fight? BRAD Right on cue. MICHAEL On cue? BRAD You start a fight and then wonder why we're having one. Next you'll pout for a second. MICHAEL Then what? BRAD It depends. Either you'll storm off in a huff and turn on the tv or you'll just roll over in bed and make whimpering noises like dog. MICHAEL I do not. BRAD Yes, Michael you do. Beat. Brad continues packing in silence. MICHAEL Is this it? Is this what we are? Some formula. Are we them? Those queens we made fun of in Madrid: The Bickersons you called them. BRAD Well at least we don't fight in public. MICHAEL Let's! Let's scream it on the streets, let's have a brawl in a bar. Let's be really here. BRAD Oh Jesus Christ. Do not get all artsy angst on me. I am not taking that. MICHAEL Is this what you want? Us like this? BRAD Yes. This all works for me. Even these little fights you feel the need to have. There all just part of the marital bliss. MICHAEL I don't wanna be an equation. Brad throws his shirt into his bag and stares down Michael. BRAD What are you saying? MICHAEL Maybe we shouldn't be together. Extreme Wide BRAD That's absurd. MICHAEL Why? Why stay together just for the sake of staying together? Brad is so annoyed I can't find the words for it. BRAD Michael. You love me, I love you. We have a wonderful life with great friends and we compliment each other. We're not getting divorced. MICHAEL We compliment each other? BRAD I'm not talking to you when you're like this. MICHAEL So we just compliment each other. Oh by the way we happen to love each other. Brad spins on his heels. BRAD What, you don't? MICHAEL Of course I do. BRAD Well then that's that. See? I am usually right. MICHAEL About what? What did we just agree on? That our marriage is a nice neat little contract you drew up like you have your drawers and I have mine. Brad is really patronizing. BRAD Yes. It actually is a contract Michael. It is a legal agreement we entered into. A team. A partner. That's what we agreed to. MICHAEL Well I'm not feeling very loved honored or cherished right now. He pouts and sits on the bed. BRAD Do you want love? Do you want to make love right now? Is there some proof you need of something? MICHAEL The mechanics of our sex life is not going prove your point only mine. BRAD Meaning? MICHAEL Meaning, I wouldn't be surprised if one day you tapped my on the shoulder and "excuse me dear, I'm seeking sexual gratification please allow me to insert myself." BRAD Because you're so sexually creative? MICHAEL It's not creativity, it's like I'm like a goddamn robot. (in robot voice) Lick lick, suck, turn, hand on wall, yeah yeah fuck that ass. Jerk off. BRAD I didn't realize I was that bad. MICHAEL It's not about good or bad. Don't you want to take me and throw me over the sink. BRAD So I'd then have to rearrange the moisturizers? That'd be fun. MICHAEL Don't you want passion? BRAD Not really. MICHAEL I do! BRAD Oh well. MICHAEL I don't know what to say or do.... You're so dismissive. BRAD All this fuss because I'm going on a business trip for 2 days. It's down right silly. I have to work and you go straight to divorceland. MICHAEL It's not the work.. It's.. BRAD WHAT for christ'ssake! MICHAEL Liver spots! BRAD What? MICHAEL Liverspots is why I married you. BRAD I do not have liverspots! Brad feverishly checks his hands. MICHAEL When we were dating... One night I woke up and you were looking at me and I said what are you doing? And you said "I want to learn your body. I want to know every nook and muscle and part of it. BRAD I never said that you dreamt it. MICHAEL Then you said I want to see it age and learn and love every sag and every wrinkle. I want to hold it while it withers and kiss your liverspots and caress the frailty of age and then learn your body all over again." You said it. BRAD So. MICHAEL You made liverspots sexy and I thought Holy shit. If he can make old age sexy this is the man for me! That was the moment I knew you were the one. I never thought you'd learn my body and then be so bored with it. BRAD I'm not bored with it. I like the familiarity of our sex. I think its comforting the way we do the same things over and over. That I know what to expect. I think you're the one who's bored. MICHAEL I am. BRAD What am I to do about that? Whisk you off to Paris for a weekend? A torrid affair in Rome? We'd eventually have to come home. Back to this. Here, this right here and now. MICHAEL And what is this? Brad calms down. BRAD It's our home Michael. Our shared life. MICHAEL And how do you feel about that home? BRAD With the exception of the last 10 minutes pretty damn good. Beat. MICHAEL So it's just me? BRAD I never said that. Michael, I'm not some crazy lust for life kind of guy. I'm just your average well dressed control freak. I thought you liked that about me. MICHAEL I... I do... I'm sorry. I can't help feeling that sometimes, I'm just this convenience, this part of the woodwork for you. BRAD This isn't going to come across the way I want it to, but you are convenient and part of the woodwork, like I'm a steady and a reliable, comfortable chair you lie against while watching those horrible reality shows you insist on tivo-ing. Or a spatula MICHAEL Ok you almost had me: A spatula? Brad searches for the words... BRAD Something I need and use and know exactly where it is. I don't ever think it's going to leave me or change or not be there for me. I know this isn't terribly romantic and I'm probably saying it all wrong... Michael starts crying. MICHAEL If you just add in that you love your spatula, we're good. BRAD I love my spatula. I'd die without it. MICHAEL Oh Brad! I'm sorry. You go and do your work thing and I'll just sit home and spatula do or be a spatula or spatula-ize! They kiss. Brad reaches down and lifts Michael. MICHAEL (continuing) What are you doing? You'll throw out your back. BRAD I'm going to fuck you on the sink. LATER..... On the bathroom floor. MICHAEL This isn't the sink, by the way. BRAD Close enough MICHAEL Thank you. BRAD You are amazing. MICHAEL Can you get off of me the tile isn't exactly comfortable. BRAD It was your idea. Remember? MICHAEL But it was a good idea just an uncomfortable idea. BRAD Next time can I prove I love you on the sofa. MICHAEL Brad, I always know you love me. BRAD Good. Cause I do, you know. MICHAEL I know, but seriously get off of me I can't breathe! BRAD Careful of what you ask for... MICHAEL and I got it. Michael gets up and goes into the other room leaving Brad on the ground shaking his head. MICHAEL (continuing) You want any ice cream? Don't forget to pack your ibuprofen, you always get a headache when you leave the smog. Are really taking that tie, honey.... Laughing to himself, Brad stands up out of frame.