COLD OPEN


               EXT  DRAMA CAFE - THE ALLEY
               PEPE,TITI,TERRY

               CLOSE UPS ON TITI AND PEPE WEARING SUNGLASSES. WE GET THE 
               FEELING THEY ARE OUTSIDE.

                                   PEPE

                         You think they'll hire the new cook today?

                                   TITI

                         Please. It took them 2 weeks to write the 

                         ad.

                                   PEPE

                         Why bring in a new cook?

                                   TITI

                         Even if they sell the cafe today, it'd 

                         take a few months to cross over. We still 

                         need a cook.

                                   PEPE

                         Think we'll be fired?

                                   TITI

                         I hope not. I love my job.

                                   PEPE

                         Me too.

                                   TITI

                         Everyday I wake up and thank God that I 

                         have work and can support my fabulosity.

                                   PEPE

                         Me too. Expect that fabulosity part. My 

                         Papa says a strong work ethic is what made 

                         this country great!

                                   TITI

                         It's true. Not like the loafers running 

                         around now on unemployment or thinking 

                         they're too good to carry trays!

                                   PEPE

                         Amen to that.

               TERRY EXPLODES OUT OF THE DOOR. IN THE PULLBACK WE REVEAL 
               TITI AND PEPE ARE LYING ON CHAISE LOUNGE CHAIRS SHIRTLESS 
               GETTING TANS AND SIPPING ICED TEAS.

                                   TERRY

                         We are slammed! I need help. Table 4 is a 

                         mess Pepe..and there are 6 orders up!

                                   TITI

                         (SLOWLY) I got 2 minutes left on my break.

                                   PEPE

                         Empty bus tubs are under the sink.

               TERRY HUFFS AND RUNS BACK IN.

                                   PEPE (CONT'D)

                         He never hear about the emancipation 

                         proclamation?

                                   TITI

                         God bless America.

               

               

               

               

               

                                     ACT ONE



               INT. DRAMA CAFE - NIGHT
               LAKE,TERRY,OSWALD,RICK,TERRY AND LAKE,TAMARA,KAREN
               BONNIE,ROZ

               THE CAFE IS CLOSED AND TERRY IS PUTTING UP THE CHAIRS. LAKE 
               COMES OUT OF THE KITCHEN EXHAUSTED, HE LIES ON A TABLE AND 
               DIALS THE PORTABLE PHONE.

                                   LAKE

                         Uhg! If we don't sell this cafe soon I'm 

                         going to lose it. How many cooks did I 

                         interview today? Like 704? I'm so tired

                                   TERRY

                         Since the day I met you. What are you 

                         doing?

                                   LAKE

                         My Shelly Winters routine.

                                   TERRY

                         Don't blaspheme Shelly in my cafe. Get 

                         that kitchen set.

                                   LAKE

                         I am on the phone.

                                   TERRY

                         Multitasking seems to be no stranger to 

                         you, who lied and had sex at the same 

                         time.

                                   LAKE

                         Your Mom called.

                                   TERRY

                         Whatever.

                                   LAKE

                         Do you want to hear it?

                                   TERRY

                         She always says the same thing. (IN 

                         SOUTHERN ACCENT) "Hello Junior it's your 

                         mother Agnes" Like I have two or 

                         something. "Hope everything's ok out there 

                         in Hollywood. Gives us a call ok?" Pause 

                         while I'm supposed to say OK Mom. Then 

                         "Alright then. God bless you."

                                   LAKE

                         That's amazing

                                   TERRY

                         I have known the woman for over 30 years.

               LAKE DIGS WHILE CROSSING TO THE KITCHEN.

                                   LAKE

                         No It's amazing you're such a horrible 

                         son.

               TERRY CONTINUES WITH THE CHAIRS.

               AN OLD MAN, OSWALD, ENTERS. HE IS IN HIS LATE 60'S, SLOW IN 
               MANNER AND IN SPEECH. HE IS DRESSED NOT FASHIONABLY BUT 
               QUIETLY.

                                   TERRY

                         I care in my own way. I am a very feeling, 

                         very caring kind soul.

                                   OSWALD

                         Excuse me.

                                   TERRY

                         We're closed. Get out.

                                   OSWALD

                         But...

                                   TERRY

                         There are many butts to chose from in West 

                         Hollywood, this, however, is not the 

                         place.

                                   OSWALD

                         I just need my hat.

                                   TERRY

                         We're closed. Cerado. Ferm. No open!

                                   OSWALD

                         I only...

                                   TERRY

                         Look! The espresso machine is off, the 

                         grill is off, the fryer is off, the lights 

                         are off, the oven is off, my marriage is 

                         off and my dreams are crumbling all around 

                         me like a huge superstructure in a quake 

                         and I am being bombarded by the pieces of 

                         shrapnel which was my life, so whatever 

                         you want old man can certainly wait till 

                         tomorrow at 7 am!

               OSWALD LEAVES QUICKLY.

               LAKE COMES FLYING IN.

                                   LAKE

                         What were you yelling about?

                                   TERRY

                         I was just accosted by some old letch.

                                   LAKE

                         What did he do? Are you ok?

                                   TERRY

                         He just stood there..
                                (BEAT)

                         Lake you sounded sincere.

                                   LAKE

                         Sorry.

                                   TERRY

                         For a brief fleeting second I actually 

                         felt concern.

                                   LAKE

                         I said sorry.

               TERRY EYES LAKE, SMILING.

                                   TERRY

                         Would you be concerned?

                                   LAKE

                         If what?

                                   TERRY

                         Say I was being attacked by a gang at 

                         knife point, robbed, beaten and forced to 

                         do unspeakable things. Would you be 

                         concerned?

                                   LAKE

                         Anything with you and the word unspeakable 

                         together can't be all bad.

               TERRY GETS EMOTIONAL

                                   TERRY

                         FINE! I have to alphabetize the time 

                         cards.

               TERRY EXITS.

               LAKE ALONE IN THE CAFE LOOKS AROUND HIMSELF AND SPEAKS TO THE 
               CAFE.

                                   LAKE

                         It'll be fine. You'll be ok old girl. You 

                         won't even miss us.

               LAKE LOOKS DOWN.

               SLOWLY, CAUTIOUSLY, RICK ENTERS THE CAFE. HE IS 14 AND LOOKS 
               YOUNGER IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT. HE IS CUTE IN A VERY BOYISH 
               WAY COMPLETE WITH SOUTHERN DRAWL. HE IS DRESSED UNFASHIONABLY 
               AND UNSEASONABLY.

                                   RICK

                         Umm. Hi.

                                   LAKE

                         Sorry kid, we're closed for the day.

                                   RICK

                         Do you own this here cafe?

                                   LAKE

                         Yes.

               RICK RUNS UP TO LAKE THROWING HIS ARMS AROUND HIM, EMBRACING 
               HIM LIKE SALVATION.

                                   LAKE (CONT'D)

                         Kid what are you doing?

                                   RICK

                         I knew it was you. I found it!

               TERRY ENTERS.

                                   TERRY

                         Hey I found that old man's hat it was in 

                         the lost and.....What! What is going on 

                         here? Oh yuk! So there is nothing wrong 

                         with me except for the fact I have pubic 

                         hair. You are so Silver Lake.

                                   LAKE

                         Wait a sec. Kid hang on. Terr I have no 

                         idea who this is.

                                   RICK

                         You're Terry?

                                   TERRY
                                (CONFUSED)

                         Yes?

               RICK THROWS HIS ARMS AROUND TERRY.

                                   RICK

                         I thought you were him. I'm so glad I 

                         found you!

                                   TERRY

                         I suddenly feel like Kunta Kinta.

                                   LAKE

                         Not being too specific on the phone lines?

                                   TERRY

                         Oh piss off. Young man, or old child? Who 

                         are you and why are you touching me?

                                   RICK

                         Sorry, I'm just so darn happy.

                                   TERRY

                         Darn.

                                   RICK

                         Yes sir. I knew you owned a cafe here in 

                         Los Angeles but I wasn't right sure where. 

                         I spotted the rainbow flags on Santa 

                         Monica so I figured I was getting close. 

                         But then I wasn't sure what the difference 

                         between a restaurant, a diner and a cafe 

                         was so I just went everywhere a looking. 

                         I was in over at Hot Spot and I mentioned 

                         you and they directed me kindly. Yup this 

                         here has to be a gay cafe. Now I know.

                                   TERRY

                         Oh my God we're related.

                                   LAKE

                         What?

                                   RICK

                         You're Great Uncle Terry. I should have 

                         know family resemblance and all.

                                   LAKE

                         Great Uncle Terry?

                                   TERRY

                         I presume you mean great as in fabulous?

                                   RICK

                         No sir. Your sister Tammy's oldest 

                         Deborah, had a son..

                                   TERRY

                         Ralph! Tony...Jimbo?

                                   RICK

                         Rick.

                                   LAKE

                         Great Uncle Terry?

                                   TERRY

                         Didn't I tell you to piss off?

                                   LAKE

                         Hi, I'm Lake.

                                   RICK

                         Blake?

                                   TERRY

                         No Lake, like a big still body of nothing.

                                   RICK

                         I hope I'm not intruding or nothing.

                                   TERRY

                         Only with double negatives. Oh God you are 

                         a lone aren't you? Please say you are 

                         alone and that I am not to be drowned in 

                         an illiterate deluge of kin folk missing 

                         front teeth? 

               RICK LOOKS CONFUSED.

                                   RICK

                         No sir.

                                   TERRY

                         And now when will you be leaving?

                                   LAKE

                         Your graciousness is fading. How did you 

                         get here?

                                   TERRY

                         Why didn't you call?

                                   RICK

                         Well sir, I ran away. 

                                   TERRY

                         Oh my. Won't that upset people? I'm sure 

                         I can hear my dear niece...what was her 

                         name?

                                   RICK

                         Deborah.

                                   TERRY

                         Deborah crying right now.

                                   RICK

                         You ran away.

                                   TERRY

                         I went to college. 

                                   LAKE

                         Why did you run away?

                                   RICK

                         Well sir,

                                   TERRY

                         Please stop saying sir I feel like I'm in 

                         a leather bar run by the little rascals.

                                   RICK

                         What?

                                   LAKE

                         Go on...

                                   RICK

                         Well. I'm gay. Wow. I just said it and I 

                         didn't flinch or duck or nothing.

                                   TERRY AND LAKE

                         Oh my.

                                   TERRY

                         Being a young 'mo you are certainly 

                         entitled to explore drama but don't you 

                         think we should call someone?

                                   RICK

                         You can't.

                                   LAKE

                         Why not.

                                   RICK

                         Well sir, they'd come and fetch me. Soon 

                         I'll be 16 and then they can't do or say 

                         nothing.

                                   TERRY

                         How soon?

                                   RICK

                         16 months.

                                   TERRY

                         14! You're 14!

                                   LAKE

                         Wow.

                                   RICK

                         Almost 15.....

                                   LAKE

                         Terry this is aiding and abetting or 

                         contributing to the delinquency or 

                         something

                                   RICK

                         I can't go back there. Please don't make 

                         me.

                                   TERRY

                         Calm. Let's all remain calm. WHAT THE HELL 

                         DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING RUNNING AWAY AT 

                         14! Your mother's probably crazy with 

                         fear! Into an early grave she'll go... and 

                         I hate when I start speaking with a 

                         southern accent.

                                   LAKE

                         Calm take 2.

               MAKES CLAP GESTURE.

                                   RICK

                         I just...I didn't want to hurt nobody but 

                         things..went badly....

               TERRY GRABS THE PHONE.

                                   TERRY

                         We'll call. That's probably what Mama 

                         wanted. We'll just tell her your safe.

                                   RICK

                         No!

                                   LAKE

                         Rick it'll be ok.

                                   RICK

                         Rick?

                                   TERRY

                         Rick, it's the mature thing to do.

                                   RICK

                         I ain't going BACK!

               RICK STARTS TO RUN OUT.

               FREEZE FRAME. EVERYTHING FREEZES. THE PAINTINGS COME TO LIFE.

                                   TAMARA

                         What are you doing?

                                   KAREN

                         He's a child. We can't let him run into 

                         the night without penny to his name or a 

                         friend in his heart!

                                   BONNIE

                         He's a lost little sparrow, he is.

                                   ROZ

                         Well let him nest elsewhere.

                                   KAREN

                         Come Roz. You can't possibly want to see 

                         this child suffer.

                                   ROZ

                         Hang on.. I'm searching for that maternal 

                         feeling I've heard about.... No that's not 

                         it... Nope...

                                   KAREN

                         Look higher.

                                   TAMARA

                         What do you propose, Karen?

                                   BONNIE

                         Pinch his wallet.

                                   KAREN

                         That would worsen the situation.

                                   ROZ

                         No she's right. He'll have to come back 

                         for it.

               BONNIE CROSSES OVER AND MAKES RICK'S WALLET FALL OUT OF HIS 
               JEANS.

                                   KAREN

                         You do care!

                                   ROZ

                         That's me. Fuzzy.

                                   TAMARA

                         Mission accompli!

               ROZ QUIETLY CROSSES OUT TO COUNTER.

                                   KAREN

                         Unfreeze.

               NOTHING HAPPENS.

                                   KAREN (CONT'D)

                         Unfreeze.

                                   TAMARA

                         Oh no.

                                   BONNIE

                         Unfreeze.

                                   TAMARA

                         Unfreeze. Move.

               ROZ AT THE COUNTER. 

                                   ROZ

                         Hang on hang on.

               SHE POPS OPEN A BEER AND TAKES A SWIG.

                                   BONNIE

                         Always thinking!

                                   TAMARA

                         With her liver.

                                   KAREN

                         Hurry up.

               ROZ RESUMES HER PLACE AND BELCHES.

                                   ROZ

                         Burp!

               UNFREEZE.

               RICK RUNS OUT OF THE CAFE.

               LAKE RUNS AFTER HIM.

                                   LAKE

                         Don't leave. Come back.

               TERRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

                                   TERRY

                         Hi Mama. I know it's late. It's ok. I 

                         already know about Rick. Yeah.. I don't 

                         remember who called to tell me.... But 

                         it's all going to be ok. Mama I promise. 

                         It will. He's fine now. I'm sure of it. No 

                         I can't come home now. We're in the middle 

                         of selling the cafe, I told you..I know. 

                         I love you too. I have to run. Ok? Bye 

                         bye.

               LAKE HAS RETURNED.

                                   LAKE

                         Runs fast for ...a run away...?

                                   TERRY

                         I didn't tell her he was here.

                                   LAKE

                         Why not?

                                   TERRY

                         Did you see his face? He has to come 

                         around. We'll call tomorrow.

                                   LAKE

                         Well he'll definitely come around. His 

                         wallet is here.

               LAKE PICKS UP HIS WALLET AND PLACES IT BY THE CASH REGISTER.

                                   TERRY

                         He has no money and he's on the street! We 

                         have to look for him.

                                   LAKE

                         Ok. Let's lock up, hon.

                                   TERRY

                         Hon?

                                   LAKE

                         Sorry.

                                   TERRY

                         I'll go the bus station.

                                   LAKE

                         I'll check out the Y.

                                   TERRY

                         Don't even think about it.

               THEY RUN OUT.

                                     ACT TWO


               INT. DRAMA CAFE - MORNING
               OSWALD,TITI,RICK,BITCH,TERRY,ALL,LAKE,PEPE

               TITI PASSES OSWALD STANDING BY THE CAFE READING THE MORNING 
               PAPER. AS TITI UNLOCKS THE CAFE, OSWALD DARES TO SPEAK TO 
               HER.

                                   OSWALD

                         Excuse me, do you work here?

                                   TITI

                         No.

                                   OSWALD

                         Sorry

                                   TITI

                         Ain't they all.

               TITI ENTERS THE CAFE AND STARTS TO PULL TABLES DOWN.

                                   OSWALD

                         Excuse me, I thought you said you didn't 

                         work here.

               TITI GENTLY GRABS OSWALD'S WRIST AND LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.

                                   TITI

                         I don't.

                                   OSWALD

                         But then why are you putting the chairs 

                         down?

                                   TITI

                         It's a hobby.

                                   OSWALD

                         Come now, I just wanted my hat?

                                   TITI

                         A what?

                                   OSWALD
                                (SLIGHTLY AFRAID)

                         A hat?

                                   TITI

                         Does this look like a hat shop to you? 

                         Even I can not couture and 'coccino at the 

                         same time. This is what I need, some hat 

                         freak first thing in the morning. Maybe 

                         you were hoping I could channel Jackie O 

                         and pull a pill box out of my ass?

                                   OSWALD

                         Sorry.

                                   TITI

                         So you keep saying.

                                   OSWALD

                         People are very tense here.

                                   TITI

                         You'd be tense too if after a night of 

                         trying to find anyone with a hard on in 

                         Hollywood, some mad hatter got in your 

                         face and started...

               OSWALD'S WATCH BEEPS ON THE HOUR.

               TITI GRABS OSWALD'S WATCH AGAIN. IT READS 7AM. 

               TITI COMPLETELY CHANGES HER MANNER TO THAT OF FABULOUS 
               HOSTESS.

                                   TITI (CONT'D)

                         Welcome to Drama Cafe where there's 

                         glamour in every sip. Won't you have a 

                         seat? What can I get for you dear?

               RICK COMES IN SLOWLY.

                                   TITI (CONT'D)

                         Top of the morning, welcome to Drama Cafe 

                         where even the small fries are stars! 

                         Won't you have a seat? Now what can I get 

                         you my aging friend?

                                   OSWALD

                         Just a hat.

                                   RICK

                         Ummm....

                                   TITI

                         WON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT! A hat? I hope 

                         that's a fancy culinary word for scrambled 

                         eggs on toast 'cause that's all I serve 

                         since the cook left.

                                   OSWALD

                         No.

                                   RICK

                         Excuse me....

                                   TITI

                         Then it had best be a word for something 

                         other than pissing me off.

                                   RICK

                         I don't mean to bother...

                                   TITI

                         Espere la luz! Now what can I get you? And 

                         please, for the sake of my mother who does 

                         not want to visit me on Sundays in prison, 

                         it had best not start with an h.

                                   RICK

                         But...

                                   TITI

                         Espere la luz!

                                   RICK

                         What's that?

                                   TITI

                         It means you can push and push all you 

                         want but the bus door ain't opening till 

                         the bus comes to a stop and that light 

                         goes on.

                                   OSWALD

                         It seems.. Well don't get mad...

                                   TITI

                         We are well past such euphemisms as "mad."

                                   RICK

                         His hat is in the back. I'll get it.

               RICK FLIES INTO THE KITCHEN.

                                   TITI

                         Shrimp roll you stay out of my kitchen. 

                         Hey!

               RICK RETURNS WITH THE HAT.

                                   RICK

                         Here you go sir.

                                   TITI

                         You give me that!
                                (READS NOTE)

                         Old geezer left hat. How'd you know that?

               RICK SEES HIS WALLET.

                                   RICK

                         Oh cool.

               HE REACHES FOR IT BUT TITI IS FASTER AND GRABS IT.

                                   RICK (CONT'D)

                         It's mine.

                                   TITI

                         What are you the leprechaun of lost items?

               OSWALD STARTS TO LEAVE.

                                   RICK

                         I'm Rick.

                                   TITI
                                (TO OSWALD)

                         And where are you going? Sit down and 

                         order something after driving me crazy hat 

                         man. Do I look like a coat check girl. Now 

                         you!

                                   RICK

                         I was here last night and dropped it. 

                         That's all.

                                   TITI

                         You have not even learned to lie yet. You 

                         look like you slept in the street and you 

                         want TITI to hand over a wallet? 

                                   RICK

                         I came to Terry for help he said no I left 

                         angry before he could call the police.

                                   TITI

                         Oh that helps your case. A criminal! 

                         Here's your wallet. psych!

                                   RICK

                         May I please have my wallet back. Please.

                                   TITI

                         So why did you pick Terry "I don't give a 

                         shit about anyone but myself, spit on a 

                         bum" Thompson?

                                   RICK

                         He's...he's my Great Uncle.

                                   TITI

                         Wait, did you just say Great Uncle Terry?

                                   RICK

                         Yeah....

                                   TITI

                         Wait! Great as in fabulous or great as in 

                         that bitch lied and had her eyes done! I 

                         knew it! I can always tell. "Oh no not me. 

                         I haven't had any work done." Last guy who 

                         said that to me was pumping his balls to 

                         get hard. OO why didn't I call him last 

                         night? God Bless Father Science!

                                   RICK

                         Ok I'm a runaway. I came to Terry for help 

                         and he tried to call the police and have 

                         me shipped back. So I ran but I dropped my 

                         wallet. Now may I please have it back!

                                   TITI

                         A run away! How drama! There you were 

                         oppressed and abused so you mustered what 

                         little courage they hadn't trampled out of 

                         your heart and with nothing but your

                                   TITI (CONT'D)

                          dignity traipsed this great nation of 

                         ours ...you
                                (WEEPS)

                         You lost little gay sparrow!

               HE HUGS RICK TIGHTLY.

                                   TITI (CONT'D)

                         and that Bitch didn't take you in!

               BITCH ENTERS.

                                   BITCH

                         Hey bitch

                                   TITI

                         Hey bitch.

                                   BITCH

                         Doing a Michael Jackson impression?

                                   TITI

                         This is Rick. It's very drama. You want 

                         scrambled eggs on toast Bitch?

                                   BITCH

                         We still don't have a cook!

                                   TITI

                         If the two of them could make a decision, 

                         I would be unemployed and there would be 

                         peace in the middle east.

                                   OSWALD

                         If I have to eat, I'll have eggs benedict.

                                   TITI

                         Why is this my life. 
                                (TO RICK)

                         Tell him.

                                   RICK

                         He only makes scrambled eggs on toast.

                                   OSWALD

                         I'm not really a fan of scrambled eggs.

                                   TITI

                         But your president of Eggs Benedict for a 

                         Better Tomorrow?

                                   OSWALD

                         I could make them myself.

                                   BITCH

                         Make them for me too, I love eggs 

                         benedict.

                                   TITI

                         You can't take a stranger in off the 

                         street and have him cook for a restaurant.

                                   OSWALD

                         I cooked in the Army.

                                   TITI

                         Oh the Army. Just Mary misspelled. Can you 

                         make an egg white omelet with nonstick, 

                         non fat shortening with low fat soy cheese 

                         and a  dash of cilantro?

                                   OSWALD

                         Yes.

                                   TITI

                         Well go make it old man. Why you looking 

                         at me?

                                   BITCH

                         Easy on the Hollandaise, I'm counting 

                         calories.

                                   TITI

                         The only problem is she hasn't got to 

                         infinity yet. Now you sweetpea.

               RICK HUFFS AND ROLLS HIS EYES.

                                   TITI (CONT'D)

                         You did not just huff and roll me. 

                                   RICK
                                (HIS EYES WATER)

                         I'm not wanted, no one cares about me, you 

                         sure as heck don't..so stop teasing me and 

                         let me just get on with it.

                                   BITCH

                         Did he just say heck?

                                   TITI

                         On with what exactly?

               TERRY AND LAKE ARRIVE.

                                   TERRY

                         You! Where have you been!?!

                                   ALL

                         OH HECK!

                                   TERRY

                         I have been up all night trying to find 

                         you. 12 hours of being paternal and I am 

                         aged!

                                   TITI

                         Oh honey that didn't start 12 hours ago.

                                   TERRY

                         Shut up. 

                                   LAKE

                         Where were you?

                                   RICK

                         I slept in the park across the street.

                                   TITI

                         Ohh. By the way when did you become a 

                         narc?

                                   TERRY

                         I didn't Narc. ok? Had you stayed we could 

                         have talked about it. 

                                   BITCH

                         He's a runaway!

                                   LAKE

                         No!

                                   TERRY

                         Yes ok but he's going back.

                                   BITCH

                         You can not make that child return to the 

                         land that progress abandoned.

                                   TITI

                         Progress? Here they got a Mexican clearing 

                         the tables and a black woman waiting on 

                         white bitches. Girlfriend puts the firm in 

                         affirmative action.

                                   RICK

                         You're a woman?

               

               THE BELL DINGS.

                                   TERRY

                         Rick, I'm not saying you have to go back 

                         this second. 

                                   LAKE

                         Yes he does!

                                   TERRY

                         But you are going to have to eventually go 

                         back home and face the hoedown.

               THE BELL RINGS AGAIN.

                                   TITI

                         Does that mean something to anyone?

                                   BITCH

                         I think it means the foods up, I'll get 

                         it.

                                   LAKE

                         Who's in my kitchen?

               OSWALD COMES OUT WITH THREE PLATES.

                                   BITCH

                         Oh it looks great thanks.

                                   TITI

                         Yum.

               OSWALD STARTS TO GO BACK INTO THE KITCHEN. TERRY AND LAKE 
               STAND  CONFUSED.

                                   RICK

                         I'm starved.

                                   TERRY

                         Who is that?

                                   TITI

                         Our new cook. Hey come here and meet 

                         whitey.

               OSWALD SHAKES TERRY'S HAND.

                                   TITI (CONT'D)

                         Terry meet our new chef... old man, old 

                         man Terry.

                                   OSWALD

                         Oswald.

                                   TERRY

                         Lake did you hire him?

                                   LAKE

                         No.

                                   OSWALD

                         They did.

               PEPE WALKS IN.

                                   PEPE

                         Who's that?

                                   TITI

                         Which one?

                                   PEPE

                         I don't care.

                                   TITI

                         Rick's our new runaway and Oswald's the 

                         new cook.

                                   PEPE

                         They come as a set?

                                   LAKE

                         There's been a misunderstanding.

                                   TITI

                         He cooked in the Army.

                                   RICK

                         He knows what cilantro is...

                                   LAKE

                         Why is he here and not on a bus back to 

                         Kansas.

                                   RICK

                         Alabama

                                   LAKE

                         I know.

                                   TERRY

                         Why are you yelling at everyone?

                                   LAKE

                         I've been running around the city looking 

                         for your "kin" all night.

                                   RICK

                         Sorry.

                                   LAKE

                         Oh well ok. I'm sure the police will not 

                         arrest us because we said sorry. Sorry 

                         officer I didn't mean to harbor a 

                         criminal.

                                   RICK

                         I'm not a criminal.

                                   TITI

                         Lake you're being so..Terry.

                                   TERRY

                         He's not staying. We're all just getting 

                         through today and then we'll figure it 

                         out.

                                   RICK

                         Your sending me back?

                                   TITI

                         No

                                   LAKE

                         Yes

                                   TERRY

                         Do we have to decide this right now?

                                   RICK

                         Terry

                                   TERRY

                         Rick hush....

                                   LAKE

                         Go to your room!

                                   BITCH

                         He's homeless.

                                   TITI

                         Go take a break Rick. Let Titi handle 

                         this. 

               RICK STORMS OUTSIDE.

                                   LAKE

                         We do not need a cook or children, we need 

                         to stay on track sell the cafe and be done 

                         with it all.

               TITI STANDS OFF AND INTIMIDATES LAKE

                                   TITI

                         You raise your voice to that child one 

                         more time, and you will be done with it 

                         all.

                                   BITCH

                         Fight fight!


               EXT  DRAMA CAFE - THE ALLEY
               RICK,PEPE

               RICK IS UPSET IN THE ALLEY. PEPE COMES OUT WITH THE TRASH. 
               RICK MOVES OUT OF HIS WAY.

                                   RICK

                         Sorry.

                                   PEPE

                         Lift that lid, kid.

               HE DOES.

                                   PEPE (CONT'D)

                         You ok?

                                   RICK

                         Sure. Well besides the fact that I have no 

                         where to stay, no friends, no money, no 

                         family, and my future happiness is in the 

                         hands of some guy I barely know.

                                   PEPE

                         See that's your problem right there.

                                   RICK

                         Duh..

                                   PEPE

                         Be a man. No none lets me do nothing. I do 

                         what I want to do when I want to do it. 

                         I'm a man: Soy hombre. 
                                (HE MAKES FISTS)

                                   RICK

                         Soy hombre?

                                   PEPE

                         Stop acting like a child and people won't 

                         feel like they have to help you all the 

                         time.

                                   RICK

                         On my own.

                                   PEPE

                         Yeah, screw them.

                                   RICK

                         Soy hombre!

                                   PEPE

                         Yeah. Be like me. I don't take shit from 

                         anyone. No one gives me orders. I ain't no 

                         one's bitch. No one's the boss of 

                         me...Except for Lake because well, he is 

                         my boss. And Terry, Terry's my boss and 

                         Titi says she has seniority over me... But 

                         that's it. And my Ma.

                                   RICK

                         I get it. I guess I gotta grow up.

               RICK SWINGS OPEN THE DOOR AND STORMS THE CAFE


               INT  DRAMA CAFE - CONTINUOUS
               TERRY,OSWALD,TITI,RICK,LAKE,BITCH

                                   TERRY

                         Lake, I'm sorry you spent all night 

                         searching for my nephew. Thank you. Why 

                         don't you go to bed. Oswald can handle 

                         dinner. Right?

               HOPEFULLY

                                   OSWALD

                         Sure.

               RICK ENTERS THE CAFE FOLLOWED BY PEPE.

                                   TITI

                         Rick? You should...

                                   RICK

                         So, you want to send me back?

                                   LAKE

                         Yes.

                                   BITCH

                         Christ! The Jews left Egypt with less 

                         drama.

                                   TERRY

                         It is the right thing to do.

               RICK LOOKS AT PEPE. PEPE GESTURES A FIST.

                                   RICK

                         No.

                                   TERRY

                         Excuse me.

                                   RICK

                         No. I'm staying.  If I'm too much a burden 

                         on you I'll stay by myself somewhere. I'm 

                         not running. I'm staying.  You need help 

                         here.  I'll work hard. I never asked for 

                         a hand out. I never asked you to take care 

                         of me. I may be young but I'm not a child.

                                   TITI
                                (cries)

                         I feel like yoda.

                                   TERRY

                         Well why didn't you say so in the first 

                         place.

                                   RICK

                         Lake?

                                   LAKE

                         Does it matter what I say?

                                   RICK

                         Yes.

               ALL TURN TO LAKE.

                                   LAKE

                         Fine just....just... don't be so young! 

                         (TO OSWALD) You. In the kitchen, and you 

                         better not have move my egg beaters.

               THEY STORM INTO THE KITCHEN.

               RICK HUGS TITI.

                                   TERRY

                         Ok ok. Let's get to work. 

                                   RICK

                         I knew everything would work out.

                                   TITI

                         Hold on Rick. Nothing's over yet. We 

                         call her Drama Cafe for a reason. 

                         Your adventure is just starting.

               

                                       TAG


               EXT  DRAMA CAFE - THE ALLEY
               TITI,TERRY,RICK

               TITI IS OUTSIDE WEARING SUNGLASSES AND GIVING A SPEECH.

                                   TITI

                         Now I prefer the 11:15 to 11:30 sun, it's 

                         more gentle. The second shift I recommend 

                         is 1:45 to 2. If you wait past 3 the sun 

                         crosses the building and you get bounced 

                         light. In my opinion bounced light is less 

                         dignified....

               TERRY RUSHES OUT OF THE BACK DOOR.

                                   TERRY

                         What are you doing?!?

               WE REVEAL TITI IS SEATED NEXT TO RICK AND OSWALD, ALL 
               SHIRTLESS IN LOUNGE CHAIRS TANNING.

                                   TITI

                         You said to train them!

               TERRY HUFFS AND RETURNS TO WORK.

                                   RICK

                         Why doesn't Uncle Terry tan?

                                   TITI

                         Oh honey, you know he can't afford the 

                         aging process... Now gently turn your 

                         heads to the north by northeat.

               OSWALD RICK AND TITI ROCK THEIR HEADS TO THE RIGHT.

                                   TITI (CONT'D)

                         And hold.

               FADE OUT